“I wish I met you first”

the line i’ve gotten so many times that even I wish I met me first. 

it’s offensive on an offensive amount of levels.

as in, is my level of interesting-ness directly proportional to the sequence in which you meet me and other women?  “if I meet ronelle first, then she’s most cool. but if I meet her last, she’s least cool”? is that it?

that’s not it. what it is, is the slyest, most carefully crafted getaway tool used by guys in my generation. it’s the scapegoat, the getaway card, the abort-mission call they use when the simultaneous entertainment of multiple women goes wrong. it’s what you say when one girl is sure she should be the preferred choice, but isn’t. it implies the acquiescence of “yes, you should be preferred”, but the resistance of “but it’s not your time” all in one six word sentence. it’s as if to say, “if you came before her, you would be it – but you didn’t, so i’m obligated to go with the first comer”. is your saying you wish you met me first supposed to flatter me, or appease me? because it does neither. it infuriates me. have you not the autonomy and choice to decide to court a woman based on what you feel, rather than the order she arrives in? I think the line is moronic. literally. If you met me first then what? And okay, you didn’t meet me first – do I line up and wait until it’s my time to be seen by you? no, fam.

#everbless