you don’t always get what you want

you get what you need: a concept

you know those universal laws of life that are undeniable and omnipresent? the ones that make people believe in God, and karma, and the energies of the cosmos or whatever. like cause and effect. what goes up must come down. garbage in, garbage out. laws. those laws that govern everything and anything and all things. those laws that govern love, education, and the pursuit of happiness. those laws seem to govern everything but tragedy and disasters – because those never follow laws. good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people, yet karma still rings true when it chooses to – there’s no rhyme or reason to that. you don’t always get what you want. 

this past year in college has been that sentence amplified and personified, in the form of crisis after crisis, hurled at me the way the ball is bowled in a cricket match. this past year in college was a cruel game of dodgeball. a demonstration of mockery of me, by the universe, for reasons i wish i could identify. if i wasn’t on my near death bed from debilitating menstrual cramps or strep throat, listening to the sounds of my once-best-friend-and-roommate having obscenely loud sex with someone i thought i loved over and over again, fighting for my dear life/scholarship in classes i had zero motivation to care about and perform well in, or having mental breakdowns in the shower, i was probably just asleep. because every waking hour this past year felt like a fight. every single one. down to the hours i spent doing fairly pleasant things, like dating, going to concerts, or writing this blog. even those hours felt like a fight – a fight to maintain my sanity and sense of peace. between the great cups of coffee at coffeeshops i couldn’t afford to be at, the late nights out doing college things, the interviews for flopped internship opportunities (and the one that turned out great and landed me on wall street this summer!), the hours spent leading this campus org i’ve attached myself to in unhealthy ways (big ups to the howard university investment group), and the minutes spent trying my very best not to simply melt all the way down – that one line has been sung over and over to me by the universe. it’s been whispered in my ear in the black of night, and been screamed at me in broad daylight – it has been taught to me this 2017 that i simply cannot always get what i want. but i will get what i need. even bad grades, even heartbreak from stupid unworthy ugly boys, even gained weight, even betrayal, even identity theft and ATM fraud on my bank card THREE DIFFERENT TIMES. all of that is, in some kind of evil storybook way, what i need(ed).

so, this is a concept. you get what you need. i wanted to share that with you because it’s an interesting dialogue to start with yourself. imagine if as of this moment, everything that happens to you, you look at from an angle of gratitude to the universe. imagine if every single thing as of right now, you say thank you for, because you admit that you needed it – in whatever way. you needed a lesson, you needed to grow up, you needed to realise something, you needed to smile – you needed it. you needed all of it. imagine if every unfortunate event could be altered just by your mind, to be something that was sent and delivered to you, specifically, because you needed it. got a flat tire? “ok, you know what universe, i needed this, i need to learn how to change a flat.” imagine if you could switch the narrative of everything from “why me?”, to “why not me?”. so cheesy, but now it’s seeming necessary to me. i found myself saying too many times this past year that i have awful luck, and that i never live the charmed life my peers seem to live. a thought process that is laughable, with so many students and people worldwide struggling far more than i am and was. with a friend of mine who left howard university last year due to illness, passing away this week. with so much trouble still in the world. my comparison of self to other seemingly “charmed” people, and my wallowing in self pity and sadness – is laughable. and this realisation is what i needed. the struggle it took for me to land an internship this summer is what i needed to know just how much ass i have to kick in life to be great. the little episode of heartbreak i got is what i needed to illuminate just what i am worth in love and life, and what i ought to value in men. the fight i had to get myself into for academic continuance is what i needed to see just what is required of me with regard to my college career. clarity is what i needed, and i got it. i am still yet, though, to get what i want. but just like i’ve been fighting all year, i’ll keep fighting for that too.

blessings.